6 Reasons Pulling Out of the Paris Climate Agreement Was Totally, Definitely the Right Move

We Know a Good Idea When We See One

Sometimes an idea comes along that is 100% awesome. An idea so good that there’s only one thing you can do: Take an admiring step back and say, “Wow, that’s a really good idea.” When we first learned about cookie butter, for instance, we knew that turning it into a series of ice cream flavors was, without a doubt, a can’t-go-wrong idea. (And take it from anybody who’s tried Spectacular Speculoos Cookie Core, it definitely was.)

And that’s exactly how we felt when we saw that President Trump decided to pull the US out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Tremendous! What a big-league move! Definitely a good idea. Definitely.

Think we’ve gone off our rockers? Worried we’ve been hitting the Half Baked a little too hard? Here’s exactly why it’s totally, definitely a good idea for the US — the world’s second largest emitter of greenhouse gasses — not to be a part of the most comprehensive global agreement to reduce emissions and stem climate change of our age:

1. Clean Energy, Schmean Schmenergy!

Who needs clean energy?! We’re not germaphobes when it comes to our power (our ice cream spoons are a different story, though). And clean energy jobs? Nah, not for us. We hear China is ramping up their renewable energy production and it sure looks like a lot of work. Beijing alone plans to invest $360 billion in renewables by 2020, creating more than 13 million jobs. But jobs are work! Work is hard! It’s so much easier to luxuriate in the status quo, driving our fossil-fuel-powered cars and enjoying our coal-created electricity like we always have. 

2. We’re Sick of Chocolate and Vanilla Anyway

Haven’t you had enough Chocolate Fudge Brownie and Vanilla Caramel Fudge? We’ve been cranking out chocolate and vanilla ice cream flavors since the very beginning (in fact, Vanilla was our very first flavor), and frankly, we’re tired of it. So when climate change makes it all but impossible for farmers to grow cocoa beans and vanilla, we’ll be fine. We’ll move on to other ingredients, like melted glaciers, penguin meat, covfefe, and human despair. Sounds delicious!

3. Being a Global Pariah Is Really Cool

Pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement is not going to make us popular with the rest of the world. Nope — 194 countries worked really hard to figure out how to reduce their emissions to a manageable level, so when we keep on puffing greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere, they might get a little testy with us. But that’s okay, the cool countries are always loners anyway. And we probably don’t need other countries’ support in order to achieve our international goals . . . right?

4. Rising Seas Means You Could Have Your Very Own Ocean View

Who doesn’t love oceanfront property? With runaway climate change melting glaciers and causing sea levels to rise at unprecedented rates, a whole lot more of us could be seeing waves from our bedroom windows. Sure, some folks might lose their homes and businesses, and our coastal cities could see devastating changes, but a whole lot of people will also be able to learn how to surf right in their backyards. Sounds like a fair tradeoff to us.

5. Crises Keep Life Exciting

What’s life without a little drama? Boring, that’s what. Pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement is going to bring the world one step closer to an unprecedented global environmental crisis, and we can’t wait! We love drama in our ice cream flavors, and even more so in our world news headlines. We can see it now: “13.1 Million US Homes Flooded — Boat Sales Surge,” “World Refuses to Cooperate with US Foreign Policy, US Sulks Like Angsty Teenager,” and “Hundreds of Plants and Animals Now Extinct, US Says ‘We Never Liked Polar Bears Anyway.’”

6. The Global Economy Is Going Green, With or Without Us

The truth of the matter is, the world is going green with or without the US. Even without our support of the Paris Climate Agreement, 193 countries will continue to reduce their emissions and continue to invest heavily in renewable energy sources. It may be too late for us to be global leaders in green energy, but we can only hope it’s not too late for the rest of the world to save us. And the polar bears.

Think we're serious about these six reasons? Nah, we're just pulling your leg. But we sure are serious about taking action on climate change. Even if our government won't, we can still support a clean, green energy future. Make your voice heard for a clean, green energy future today!